Book review: "The state of affairs"

I just finished reading the long awaited book of renowned couples therapist Esther Perel; « The state of affairs », translated in French by « Je t’aime, je te trompe ». Esther Perel is the famous author of the international bestseller « Mating in captivity », which came out in 2006 and propelled her to stardom as « the » couples psychotherapist. Her first book looks at marriage, long-term monogamous relationships that is, and asks questions about whether commitment rhymes with sexy. Can we desire what we already have? Does good intimacy always make for hot sex? in her first book Perel examines what the New York Times calls « the most time-honored institution in the Western world »; i.e. the sexless marriage.

I loved the book; as I imagine every couples therapist did who on many occasions had the following speech delivered on their couch: « We love each other. We love our kids, the holidays, the house, the pool, our friends, the parties. We want to stay together. It’s just that… we’re not having sex, and even though this isn’t a big deal for me, it is for him/her. »

in her second book, which twelve years later immediately became a bestseller in the US and was translated into 24 languages, she tells us how she has narrowed down her area of specialization even more. From the sexless marriage, she has evolved onto infidelity and the scary but exciting world of THE AFFAIR. So, the four hundred pages of the book treat solely this topic. When I picked up the book in Sauramps it sounded very promising, but left me slightly confused and ambivalent in the end.

To be fair, Perel does make some very interesting anthropological observations on how infidelity has evolved in recent years. Firstly, with the internet, it is easier than ever before to cheat on the unsuspecting spouse. However, whereas a few decades ago the unsuspecting wife would find a lipstick stain on her husband’s shirt, or the husband would have mere suspicions that shopping was taking a tad too long on Thursday afternoons, nowadays when we discover a secret e-mail account or a string of text messages the wronged party is immediately exposed to all the intimate, crude, gory details.

The societal outlook on how an affair should be dealt with has also evolved. Whereas in the past, it was reprimanded when a wife left her husband simply because of his « indiscretions », nowadays it is exactly the opposite. The examples given are Hilary Clinton, and in France we have Anne Sinclair, wife of DSK. Both women were severely judged for the fact that, despite an affair, they stayed with and supported their husbands. (Apparently Madame Sinclair did leave in the end, but long after media attention had died down.) In 2018, if a woman is not consulting a divorce lawyer immediately after she finds out about some vague screwing around, she is seen as weak, a doormat, or someone with « Stockholm syndrome », a prisoner infatuated with their sadistic jailor that is.

It seems that affairs don’t just « happen ». Every affair has a source in the insatisfaction or the lack of communication in our official couple. Sometimes this malaise is conscious, and sometimes it isn’t, and the affair helps to bring it to the surface.

So, according to Perel, every affair is an opportunity for growth. One of her famous lines often repeated in her TED talks, is that, when asked « Would you recommend to anyone to have an affair? », her answer is « No more than I would recommend to anyone to get advanced cancer ». But then, she adds: « And yet many people with advanced cancer have found this experience to be life-transforming, and for the better. »

Although the book makes very interesting reading, what I didn’t like was a vague, almost moral stance behind it. Just like in the first book, when I had the impression that the couples Perel values the most are those who have been married for a loooooong time, have no sex, and then through genius creative ways do manage to reignite the spark. In the second book, on infidelity, it was the same; the best, almost « spiritual » couples were the ones that managed to stay together and thrive despite the affairs(s). To me this smelled more of codependency than of spirituality. As if the success of a couple was based on its longevity. Maybe I’m too cynical, but a little voice inside me kept nagging at the question as to why all these couples don’t simply split up and start over, with someone who is capable of making an honest commitment.

Yet these negative thoughts are precisely what Perel says she is trying to dispel. But is this not too ambitious of a task? As always, it seems that all this brings us back to the question of therapeutic neutrality. Can a therapist ever be neutral and unbiased, and not favor one moral stance over another? Or are therapists simply human beings who can pretend to cover up their bias but somehow this bias always manages to rear its ugly head? And is this necessarily a bad thing?

Anyhow, this book is an important contribution to the field of couples and family therapy, and certainly deserves a place on the shelf. Perel’s writing style is light, flirtatious and engaging, filled with examples from her own private practice. So, yes, I would definitely recommend it, especially as a late night read ;-)