Adoption

Perhaps the most important thing to consider when working with adoption is attachment issues.

However, even though parents and therapists must be aware of and educated about attachment styles and difficulties, it is primordial to stress that the adoptee child or adult does not suffer from “attachment disorder”. She suffers from full-blown, all-out PTSD. “I am not good enough for Mummy to keep me. I was rejected, given away. And because it happened once, I have no guarantee it won’t happen again.” This is the core belief of an adoptee, and persists until, and if, she has children of her own.

As a parent, expect the adoptee to attach too quickly, almost too easily to you, whilst at the same time quite possibly not attaching at all. Once you become aware of this inevitable distance, it might help to undergo some therapy of your own in order to come to terms that her idea of and tolerance to intimacy might not be the same as yours. It might be incredibly painful to realise that even though she will give you the maximum that she can, she cannot, at least for now, give you what you wanted so desperately. This is especially poignant in the case of mothers who adopt. You wanted a child so much, you went through horrific physical and emotional hardship trying to become a mother, you waited for so long, now she is finally here, except that- sometimes you have a feeling deep inside your gut as if she wasn’t really here. As if…she didn’t really want to be here, but is almost too afraid of upsetting you if she admitted it.

Be patient. Give it time, lots and lots of time. Be very careful of suffocating (smothering) her. This will only create more distance. Eventually, she will mirror your smile and smile back. Let her take the initiative in everything, and let her come to you.