The Enabler

Chapitre 1

Who are they, exactly?

(extract)

​The enabler is the person who allows the narcissist to abuse their victim. They are the one who witnesses the abuse, but does nothing to stop it. From a strictly legal point of view, it could very well be argued that they are equally responsible for the crime that happened. Let’s imagine the following scenario. I am in my office, with two patients. It could be a couples’ therapy session, or perhaps a child and a parent. Perhaps this latter scenario is more appropriate. At first, the session starts off as a civilised conversation. Then, gradually, the discussion gets more and more heated. The bigger person starts hitting the smaller one. The blows get more and more violent. The child cries for help, but to no avail, and gradually succumbs to the blows. Eventually, the child is lying still on the floor, not breathing, and it is clear they are dead. Some time later, the police arrive. The parent pleads guilty to the crime. Myself, the therapist, get asked what I was doing whilst this was going on. I say, nothing, just drinking my tea as usual, I may have gone away to the bathroom at some point when things got too violent, just to get away, as I was feeling uncomfortable and didn’t really know what to do. I also add « But I didn’t do anything. It wasn’t me that molested the child. » The police take me in anyway. They, and later the judge, tell me that the verdict against me is crystal clear: Even though I didn’t touch the child directly, I am morally responsible for its death.



This example is extreme, and I chose it specifically for that reason. As I said above, it illustrates clearly that from a moral point of view, the enabler, just like the abuser, bears full responsibility even though technically, the abuser initiated the offence. In the example above, the police and the judge are not fooled. They both condemn the enabler. And yet, in day to day real life, the enabler often gets huge sympathy from society. My patients regularly report the following being said to them: « You can’t blame your father for not having done anything. He had no idea what was going on. He was busy working hard and earning money for the family. » Or, in a similar vein: « Your mother couldn’t have helped you. She was probably afraid as well. » (In this example, when my patient replied that if his mother was so afraid in her marriage, why she chose to stay in it, the inevitable comment was: « Oh but she was afraid to leave »). The worst thing about this latter remark was that it came from none other than my patient’s therapist at the time. Incidentally, this therapist was very much into « forgiveness therapy » and what they called « healing by compassion ». Needless to say, the young man who was her patient left the therapy a few months later completely bewildered and not much better off than when he started the sessions.